TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely outside of position. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But yes, positive, let us have another location wherever American Guys can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: provide Everybody a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from Place, a element remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the developing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may ponder vague disappointment




  • A Trump Tower Damascus replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where by's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting focus from international investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount may also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge in which my PTSD can have transform-down assistance."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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